voicemail

(ring)



(ring)



(ring)



Will: Hey, this is Will. I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message, I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks.

(beep)

Ted: Hey dude, haven't seen you in a while, so I just wanted to see what you were up to. Give me a call. Peace.

------------------------------------------------

(ring)



(ring)



(ring)



Will: Hey, this is Will. I'm not here right now, but if you leave a message, I'll call you back as soon as I can. Thanks.

(beep)

Ted: Hey dude, not sure you got my last message, but I'd really like to hang out with you, since we haven't seen each other in forever. I know you're busy picking up shifts at the coffee shop, but if you have a few hours, I'd love to see you. Anyway, talk to you later dude.

-----------------------------------

(ring)



(ring)



(ring)



Ted: This is Ted. Leave it.

(beep)

Will: Hey dude. Sorry I didn't call you back sooner. I don't know why I didn't. I haven't been terribly social lately. I, um... ...I've been a jerk lately. To everyone. After a couple of harsh events took place, I decided to wrap myself in my own little world to buffer myself from the actual world around me, with it's problems and demands and whatnot. When I wasn't busy as the king in my own kingdom, I pitied myself for the being fool I occasionally had the clarity to realize I was. Either way, you called, and I didn't call you back. For that, I'm sorry. We do need to hang out, and when we do, I'll try my best not to let this sudden dose of reality bring the conversation down. Either way, talk to you soon.

---------------------------------

(ring)



(ring)



(ring)



Will: Hey dude!

Ted: Hey man, I saw you called.

Will: Yeah, did you hear my message?

Ted: Sort of. I listened to the first ten seconds and the stopped listening when I realized it was probably one of your depressing rants.

Will: Hah. Good choice.

Ted: Anyway, want to get coffee?

Will: See you soon.

(phone rings)

Will: Hey dude.

Ted: Coffee?

Will: See you soon.

(10 minutes later)

Ted: Hey dude.

Will: Ungh.

Ted: I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Will: Pain.

Ted: Might I ask what caused this pain?

Will: An evil, evil man.

Ted: Really. What's this evil man's name?

Will: Tony Horton.

Ted: ...is that the guy from those infomer-

Will: Yes, he's from the p90x infomercials.

Ted: Huh. So you're doing p90x now?

Will: Hence pain.

Ted: How's it working for you?

Will: I've definitely seen a bit of muscle growth. Other than that, I appear to have a great deal of weakness leaving my body.

Ted: What caused you to pick up the phone and dial?

Will: I saw it on ebay for about fifty bucks, which is half that it sells for new. Plus, I've been thinking that not only do I need to look good for the image side of my music career, but it takes a lot of strength and energy to play for two straight hours. Hopefully, it'll be easier when I'm in better shape.

Ted: It'll be good for you at the very least.

Will: That depends whether or not you consider being barely able to walk "good for me."

Ted: So how far in are you?

Will: A few weeks, actually. I just haven't stopped being sore.

Ted: I've actually been working out a little bit myself.

Will: Really. How?

Ted: Fighter circuits.

Will: What are those?

Ted: Spending five minutes doing different exercises that completely draining your body of all energy, and then taking a quick break and doing it again. Twice.

Will: You training for MMA?

Ted: I've started taking Ninjutsu classes.

Will: Ah. I should try that.

Ted: You should.

Will: Okay. I'll be right back, I'm going to go get 2 iced coffees to hold against my pectoral muscles.

posting

(ring)

Will: Hey dude, what's up?

Ted: Not much. Saw you were online, so I figured I'd call.

Will: Dude. It's past midnight.

Ted: And we're both awake. So what.

Will: How did you see I was online?

Ted: You're posting on facebook.

Will: Why didn't you just facebook chat me?

Ted: I'm a fan of human interraction. At least on the phone, you hear the voice of the person you're talking to. So, why are you up so late? Weren't you up early today?

Will: I was. I'm staying up until I finish this blog entry.

Ted: You're really trying to keep up with it, huh.

Will: The only way to get anything done.

Ted: But, what are you actually getting done? Didn't you say you don't want any readers?

Will: I said I wouldn't prevent anyone from reading it, but that I didn't plan on having any readers. Key difference.

Ted: Noted.

Will: It's mostly to practice my writing. If I don't make it routine, I won't do it. That's just the way I work. I'm the same way with exercise and music. If I don't do something at roughly the same time every day, I'm less likely to do it. I'm sure there's a better way to organize, but it's better than nothing.

Ted: True.

Will: Thus, I won't allow myself to go to bed unless there is a new blog post.

Ted: Even if you have nothing to write about?

Will: What else are blogs for if not to write when you have absolutely nothing to write about.

Ted: Word.

Will: Okay. Blog entry done. Going to bed.

Ted: Cool. Probably see you tomorrow dude.

Will: I'll expect the call around the same time to go hang out at the same place.

Ted: The way life should be.

Will: Night, dude.

Ted: Night.

"work"

Ted: Smash?

Will: Sounds good. It'll give me a good break.

Ted: From what?

Will: Work.

Ted: "Work?"

Will: Hours upon hours of emails and phone calls.

Ted: To who?

Will: Booking agents, the guy who's doing the art for my CD, a photographer, etc.

Ted: How's that going?

Will: Eh.

Ted: How so?

Will: It's hard to feel like I have more of a buzz going than I did when I wasn't devoting over forty hours a week to my music.

Ted: Well, it's got to be doing something.

Will: No, it is. At the very least, I'm a much better performer than I used to be. More people have seen me perform that havn't seen me before, and even though there aren't many of them, those people count. They will hopefully remember me and go out of their way to come to my shows. The problem is, no one's doing that yet.

Ted: No one?

Will: No one I don't know. Almost everyone at my shows is a friend of mine or someone a friend of mine brought along. No one is coming who is completely unconnected to me.

Ted: Yet.

Will: You're optimistic.

Ted: Dude, it's going to happen if you keep up with it.

Will: I hope you're right.

Ted: I mean, I can tell from the number of times that you're too busy to hang out that you're working hard. Granted, that doesn't guarantee success, but it's going to help.

Will: Hopefully.

Ted: So, what are these phone calls and emails about?

Will: Well, to the promoters, they're just out of the blue emails saying that I'd love to play and link to my press kit. With the artist, it's to find out how close I am to being able to send off my CD for duplication. With the photographer-- Well, I mean with everybody, all I do is send them emails and wait for them to reply. That's the main thing I've been doing, really. Waiting for people to get back to me. I do other things and send other emails while I'm waiting for those replies, but I'm perpetually waiting for someone else to take the next step in the conversation. It sucks to be powerless like that.

Ted: How long does it take for people to get back to you?

Will: Bookers usually don't. If they do, it can range anywhere from minutes later to months later. I don't want to pester them too much by over-emailing them, so I have to wait long periods of time before I email them again. I'm continuously discovering just how small a place the music industry is.

Ted: I'm sure you'll make something happen soon, dude.

Will: Well, I'll certainly try.

Ted: Do, or do not. There is no try.

(Pause)

Will: How long were you waiting to say that?

Ted: All week.

brb

Will: Hey dude.

Ted: Hey man, how goes it.

Will: Just writing in my blog.

Ted: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

Will: So did I.

Ted: How long since you've posted on that thing?

Will: A few years, I think. Too lazy to check.

Ted: So what are you writing about?

Will: The neccessary apology entry for not posting more often.

Ted: Of course. (Looking at screen) You had a typo just then.

Will: I know.

Ted: You know? You put it there on purpose?

Will: No, it was an accident.

Ted: And you're not deleting it?

Will: That's the new rule. I won't hit delete. Whatever I type, stays.

Ted: Um, why?

Will: Because if I don't, nothing will ever get written. I'm too wracked with self-doubt to ever be fully satisfied with something I've created, so instead of slaving over it, I'll just leave it.

Ted: Even if you're readers have trouble reading through the typos?

Will: I don't plan on having any.

Ted: Typos?

Will: Readers.

Ted: ...You're writing a blog you don't intend for anyone to read?

Will: Kind of.

Ted: Isn't that just... ...a diary?

Will: Not really. I'm not going to prevent anyone from reading it, but I won't post it anywhere else. I'm not going to promote it, or anything like that. I'll just use my twitter and facebook for music promotion and whatnot, but this is for me to write on and not worry about what people think about it.

Ted: Whatever floats your boat, dude.

Will: It's been so long since I've made an honest go at writing something I like, and though I'm not going to put much work into it, I want... ...I just want to write. In any form.

Ted: That's cool. (Looking at screen again) Wait, is that a script you're writing?

Will: Not really, that's just the form I'm using.

Ted: What form?

Will: Did you ever read Plato's "The Republic?"

Ted: Okay. One, I don't read. Two, that sounds like something that could possibly make me smarter, so even if I did read, I wouldn't read it.

Will: Right. Anyway, a philosopher from ancient Greece wrote in a dialogue form that basically consisted of a man spouting off his beliefs and fictitious characters around him to propose questions for him to answer and validate his statements.

Ted: That's not a bad idea.

Will: That's what I thought, so that's what I'm doing.

Ted: Word. While you're writing your blog that no one is going to read, I'll be in the kitchen eating your food.

Will: Have fun.

Saving Women Spam (Or, The Gattis Guide to Men)

I was looking through the IMDB page of Cyril Hume, the man who wrote the screenplay for the movie “Forbidden Planet.”

Robby the Robot went on to have an extensive career on Broadway

On the right, I saw this advertisement:

Men are evil, just say it

Naturally, I wanted to discover why I beg for women and then withdraw. So, clicking the ad, I saw the following text:

Liiiiiiies.

After I read this, I had no other choice. I will answer these questions for any women who want them answered, and I will do so piece by piece, so as to save you the unbelievable amount of spam you will will probably receive by signing up for catchhimandkeephim.com. Here goes:

“You're About To Learn Secrets That
Most Women Will Never Know About Meeting And Keeping A Great Man...”
First of all, if this is a quote, to whom does this quote belong? How are they so sure? Also, tips on meeting men? This is overemphasized, and here's why:

According to a PEW survey, of all the single men in the United States, only 16% are looking for a partner.

This means that no matter how many men you meet, fewer than 1 out of 6 of them are going to even consider dating you. And that's if he's attracted to women.

Still want to meet some guys? Easy. All you have to do is go to work and/or school, and have family and/or friends. Why? Because 38% of long lasting relationships met at work or school and 34% met through a friend or family. The vast majority of people in successful couples didn't have to go at all out of their way to meet their partner. Only 13% met at a bar, club, or social gathering. Other situations don't go above 1 or 2 percent.

HOW TO MEET MEN:
Basically, make friends and go to work, and other than that, be patient.

-----------What goes on inside a man's mind... and how attraction works for him.

One sec, let me check something. (Dials phone)
[Hello?]
Hey dude, how's it going?
[Oh, hey man, what's going on?]
Not much. Dude, is it alright if I ask you something?
[Sure, go for it.]
Okay. What are you thinking about?
[...Um, what do you mean?]
I mean, well, what goes on inside your mind?
[...I dunno dude, it depends.]
On what?
[You know, where I am, what I'm doing, lots of things.]
Would you say the same applies to all guys?
[Well, every guy is different, you know?]
Absolutely. Okay, one more question.
[Fire away.]
There's this girl I want you to meet.
[She hot?]
Thanks, that's all I needed. (Click)

WHAT GOES ON INSIDE MEN'S MINDS AND HOW ATTRACTION WORKS:
Differs from man to man, situation to situation. Not that that wasn't already obvious.


-----------How to "cheat-proof" your relationship... and why he might be tempted.

The first part is easy. You can't. The only conceivable way you can prevent someone from doing something is with chains. Some men are into that. If you are as well, you might want to streamline the “meeting men” thing through some websites that are relatively easy to locate.

Here's why he might be tempted: He could not have really thought through how much he really would enjoy dating you back when it was important: Before you started dating. This is unfortunately out of your hands, and you won't always get a reliable answer from his end. Sorry ladies, it's the breaks.

Another big reason could be you are a bit clingy. No one likes having too much responsibility. Guys like some alone time. It's hard to make out and play video games at the same time. I know. I've tried.

Here's a biggie that not many people talk about: If he's a good man, he'll be there for you when you need someone. Hell, he'll enjoy being there for you. I'm not saying you need to be a bright smiling barrel of sunshine one hundred percent of the time. That'd be creepy. You just have to remember to be happy with him. If joy isn't being produced somehow, then you shouldn't be in the relationship either.

Here's one I didn't think I would have had to say before dating: if most people you know don't like it when you do something, he probably won't either.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:
Men are human. Humans daydream. If he acts on it, drop the bastard.



----------The ten fatal mistakes to avoid that most women make with men.

There are way more than 10. One of them is relying on lists that talk as though all men are the same.


------------What to do if your man has a "wandering eye".

You should be really, really jealous 100% of the time. You should also freak the fuck out every time he so much as mentions another woman.


-----------The differences in how men and women think about dating... and why
most men want to keep you from being successful.

The last part was either written by a woman with a with an atrocious dating record, or a man who makes Vince McMahon look like Susan B. Anthony. If anything, YOUR success just might help pay HIS rent and buy HIS video games.

It's like when he bought you that necklace, only it's actually useful.

As for differences between men and women in terms of dating, I'll state the obvious right now: a lot comes from evolution. I'll explain the obvious even further. It takes a woman 9 months to have a baby. During this time, other hypothetical babies will have to wait in line until the currently developing baby is doing its baby thing. Thus, women who were more forceful about attaching themselves to a relationship with one man willing to help raise this child produced more children who survived and made more children, making women more prone to seek out men who they see being committed (I dare you to write a longer sentence). Men, on the other hand, can squirt out swarms of millions of be-tailed half people once every 10 minutes or so (and frequently do so unassisted). Thus, in terms of evolution, the men who passed on their genes didn't have to be committed in the least. One man can get 50 pregnancies going in one week (if he's a road-tripping sperm donor, or the world's unluckiest man).

THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE SUMMARIZED:
Men tend to be less committed, as they have less of an evolutionary reason to be so, but you probably already knew that.



-----------The seven secrets to communicating with a man that will create lasting love and affection.

I don't know what the seven are, but they are most likely all lies.
[Edit: Now that I think about it, nachos help. The cheesier, the better.]


-----------The truth about men who aren't "emotionally available"... how to know if you've got one and what to do if you're dating one.

Some dudes just don't want to talk about it. They don't need to. They're not mad at you, they just don't want do. Let it go. When will the human race accept that I can't talk right now, I'm watching Die Hard. Explosions are better than talking. Deal.

Better than girlfriends.

-----------The five things women do that annoy men and kill intimacy.

1. Bitching.
2. Asking too may questions.
3. Being jealous.
4. Taking away from video game time.
5. Getting pregnant.


-------------The inside tips married women know about the tell-tale signs of a great guy.

This is the least difficult one of all. Is he nice? Is is considerate? Is he smart? What do you like? Is he that? Good! He single? Cool! Is he one of the 16% percent of single dudes seeking a relationship? Fantastic! Go make lots a babies.

QUESTIONS:
Answered.

WOMEN: God knows that many of these lists exist for men, one of you fine ladies should debunk one of those for us dudes. Just sayin.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask something, comment, and especially disagree below.

Wizardry

(READING TIME: 2 minutes 25 seconds)

Ted: A blog, huh?

Will: Yeah, why not.

Ted: What's it going to be about?

Will: I'm not sure yet. Maybe trying to make it as a musician, whatever.

Ted: So, just your life?

Will: Sure, why not? It's not like it'll be the first.

Ted: Will it be different in any way from other blogs?

Will: I'm not sure. I'm not trying to gain a huge following here, it just might help my writing.

Ted: Don't you think you should at least try to do it differently?

Will: I- sure, yeah, I guess I should, but that might be pretty hard considering the number of blogs out there.

Ted: Isn't it the same for musicians?

Will: True, good point. Whatever. It'll just be something, you know? Something to do.

----------------

Ted: Dude, you seen this?

Will: No, what?

Ted: Can you believe this shit?

Will: (reading) "Florida teacher accused of... ...wizardry?"***

Ted: Isn't that unbelievable?

Will: (reading) "A substitute teacher in Pasco County has lost his job after being accused of wizardry."

"Teacher Jim Piculas does a magic trick where a toothpick disappears and then reappears. Piculas recently did the 30-second trick in front of a classroom at Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes. Piculas said he then got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he'd been accused of wizardry."

"'I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue, you can't take any more assignments you need to come in right away,' he said. Piculas said he did not know of any other accusations that would have led to the action. The teacher said he is concerned that the incident may prevent him from getting future jobs."

Ted: How is that even possible?

Will: This has got to be the single most stereotype confirming thing I have heard in my life.

Ted: Southern stereotype, or christian stereotype?

Will: Both, unfortunately, which is hard to say as a christian of southern heritage.

Ted: Your folks are southern?

Will: Mostly. They lived all around the south east growing up. I still consider myself a Mainer even though most Mainers don't.

Ted: What? Why not?

Will: To be a Mainer in the eyes of Mainer, your parents must be from Maine. Some even believe it has to be 2 or more generations. (Shrug) Ever hear the saying "if a cat has kittens in an oven, you don't call them biscuits?"

Ted: Is that a southern expression?

Will: Yeah, guess it still goes up here though.

Ted: Hey, what time is it?

Will: 4:19. (Pause)

Ted: Want to go do some "wizardy"?

Will: (Smiling) Sounds good.

***Story copied from story, linked at the word "wizardry." Please visit the actual news page.