Saving Women Spam (Or, The Gattis Guide to Men)

I was looking through the IMDB page of Cyril Hume, the man who wrote the screenplay for the movie “Forbidden Planet.”

Robby the Robot went on to have an extensive career on Broadway

On the right, I saw this advertisement:

Men are evil, just say it

Naturally, I wanted to discover why I beg for women and then withdraw. So, clicking the ad, I saw the following text:

Liiiiiiies.

After I read this, I had no other choice. I will answer these questions for any women who want them answered, and I will do so piece by piece, so as to save you the unbelievable amount of spam you will will probably receive by signing up for catchhimandkeephim.com. Here goes:

“You're About To Learn Secrets That
Most Women Will Never Know About Meeting And Keeping A Great Man...”
First of all, if this is a quote, to whom does this quote belong? How are they so sure? Also, tips on meeting men? This is overemphasized, and here's why:

According to a PEW survey, of all the single men in the United States, only 16% are looking for a partner.

This means that no matter how many men you meet, fewer than 1 out of 6 of them are going to even consider dating you. And that's if he's attracted to women.

Still want to meet some guys? Easy. All you have to do is go to work and/or school, and have family and/or friends. Why? Because 38% of long lasting relationships met at work or school and 34% met through a friend or family. The vast majority of people in successful couples didn't have to go at all out of their way to meet their partner. Only 13% met at a bar, club, or social gathering. Other situations don't go above 1 or 2 percent.

HOW TO MEET MEN:
Basically, make friends and go to work, and other than that, be patient.

-----------What goes on inside a man's mind... and how attraction works for him.

One sec, let me check something. (Dials phone)
[Hello?]
Hey dude, how's it going?
[Oh, hey man, what's going on?]
Not much. Dude, is it alright if I ask you something?
[Sure, go for it.]
Okay. What are you thinking about?
[...Um, what do you mean?]
I mean, well, what goes on inside your mind?
[...I dunno dude, it depends.]
On what?
[You know, where I am, what I'm doing, lots of things.]
Would you say the same applies to all guys?
[Well, every guy is different, you know?]
Absolutely. Okay, one more question.
[Fire away.]
There's this girl I want you to meet.
[She hot?]
Thanks, that's all I needed. (Click)

WHAT GOES ON INSIDE MEN'S MINDS AND HOW ATTRACTION WORKS:
Differs from man to man, situation to situation. Not that that wasn't already obvious.


-----------How to "cheat-proof" your relationship... and why he might be tempted.

The first part is easy. You can't. The only conceivable way you can prevent someone from doing something is with chains. Some men are into that. If you are as well, you might want to streamline the “meeting men” thing through some websites that are relatively easy to locate.

Here's why he might be tempted: He could not have really thought through how much he really would enjoy dating you back when it was important: Before you started dating. This is unfortunately out of your hands, and you won't always get a reliable answer from his end. Sorry ladies, it's the breaks.

Another big reason could be you are a bit clingy. No one likes having too much responsibility. Guys like some alone time. It's hard to make out and play video games at the same time. I know. I've tried.

Here's a biggie that not many people talk about: If he's a good man, he'll be there for you when you need someone. Hell, he'll enjoy being there for you. I'm not saying you need to be a bright smiling barrel of sunshine one hundred percent of the time. That'd be creepy. You just have to remember to be happy with him. If joy isn't being produced somehow, then you shouldn't be in the relationship either.

Here's one I didn't think I would have had to say before dating: if most people you know don't like it when you do something, he probably won't either.

MOST IMPORTANTLY:
Men are human. Humans daydream. If he acts on it, drop the bastard.



----------The ten fatal mistakes to avoid that most women make with men.

There are way more than 10. One of them is relying on lists that talk as though all men are the same.


------------What to do if your man has a "wandering eye".

You should be really, really jealous 100% of the time. You should also freak the fuck out every time he so much as mentions another woman.


-----------The differences in how men and women think about dating... and why
most men want to keep you from being successful.

The last part was either written by a woman with a with an atrocious dating record, or a man who makes Vince McMahon look like Susan B. Anthony. If anything, YOUR success just might help pay HIS rent and buy HIS video games.

It's like when he bought you that necklace, only it's actually useful.

As for differences between men and women in terms of dating, I'll state the obvious right now: a lot comes from evolution. I'll explain the obvious even further. It takes a woman 9 months to have a baby. During this time, other hypothetical babies will have to wait in line until the currently developing baby is doing its baby thing. Thus, women who were more forceful about attaching themselves to a relationship with one man willing to help raise this child produced more children who survived and made more children, making women more prone to seek out men who they see being committed (I dare you to write a longer sentence). Men, on the other hand, can squirt out swarms of millions of be-tailed half people once every 10 minutes or so (and frequently do so unassisted). Thus, in terms of evolution, the men who passed on their genes didn't have to be committed in the least. One man can get 50 pregnancies going in one week (if he's a road-tripping sperm donor, or the world's unluckiest man).

THE PARAGRAPH ABOVE SUMMARIZED:
Men tend to be less committed, as they have less of an evolutionary reason to be so, but you probably already knew that.



-----------The seven secrets to communicating with a man that will create lasting love and affection.

I don't know what the seven are, but they are most likely all lies.
[Edit: Now that I think about it, nachos help. The cheesier, the better.]


-----------The truth about men who aren't "emotionally available"... how to know if you've got one and what to do if you're dating one.

Some dudes just don't want to talk about it. They don't need to. They're not mad at you, they just don't want do. Let it go. When will the human race accept that I can't talk right now, I'm watching Die Hard. Explosions are better than talking. Deal.

Better than girlfriends.

-----------The five things women do that annoy men and kill intimacy.

1. Bitching.
2. Asking too may questions.
3. Being jealous.
4. Taking away from video game time.
5. Getting pregnant.


-------------The inside tips married women know about the tell-tale signs of a great guy.

This is the least difficult one of all. Is he nice? Is is considerate? Is he smart? What do you like? Is he that? Good! He single? Cool! Is he one of the 16% percent of single dudes seeking a relationship? Fantastic! Go make lots a babies.

QUESTIONS:
Answered.

WOMEN: God knows that many of these lists exist for men, one of you fine ladies should debunk one of those for us dudes. Just sayin.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to ask something, comment, and especially disagree below.